What happens when you eat laced pizza?
by RandomPsychoEmoBeaver
Summary: This story. A pure crack fic with AkuRoku, Cleon, Soriku and...that's it. Read. Review. Flame. Whatever.


So here's another story by the ultimate seme and uke, Psycho and Random

**So here's another story by the ultimate seme and uke, Psycho and Random. Tee-hee. Um its pure utter crack so bear with us and don't judge. Enjoy this magickal spoof of plain fairy tale awesomeness and Kingdom Hearts.**

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"Oh Princess Roxas!" Lord Demyx yelled walking into the princess' bedroom.

"What the hell do you want?" Roxas asked.

"It's time for you to meet your betrothed. He's downstairs. Come on!" Demyx said grabbing Roxas by the hair and dragging him down to the main hall.

**Enter Marluxia:**

"He is such a fair princess don't you think?" Marluxia asked Demyx.

Roxas, however, looked anything but fair. For the past hour and a half he was failing miserably at beating his high score on Guitar Hero.

"GAYASS!" he yelled when he failed One Winged Angel for the 417th time.

"Yes he is" Demyx responded while holding back tears.

After he finally gave up Roxas stormed over to Demyx who promptly called for the court jester. In walked a red head with goggles strapped to his head.

"Sir Reno! You must entertain the Princess, he is very distraught." Demyx said before leading Marluxia on a tour of the castle.

"What the fuck ever." Reno said pulling out some juggling crap and beginning to juggle.

Roxas however didn't want any of it. He just grabbed on of the clubs and hit Reno upside the head with it before stalking back upstairs. On his way he passed my Marluxia and Demyx who were examining the atrocity of a picture of the princess.

"Such a beautiful princess." Marluxia said giving Roxas a wink.

"Get a life you pedophile." Roxas snapped before slamming his door shut.

Demyx sighed; he knew this one wasn't going to work out. This was the 356th husband Roxas had turned away. He just watched in hopelessness as Marluxia pouted and then stormed off muttering curses the whole way. Was there anyone who could take Roxas on?

"**BISHOP GOOFY HAS ARRIVED!"** Some random guy screamed from the top of the stairs.

**Enter Goofy:**

"Are you fucking kidding me?! This is so wrong on so many levels; He's a dog for god's sakes! Are you trying to make me look like some deranged psycho?! The answer is hell no!" Roxas yelled at Demyx.

"Ayuk, well I guess I has no choice but to just go home. Ayuk" Goofy said before tromping out.

Demyx slapped his forehead in annoyance. This was number 357 now and he feared the numbers would just keep getting higher.

"Who the fuck else wants to marry this bitch?!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.

"I do!"

**Enter Sora:**

Sora arrived on a magic carpet and fell down in front of Roxas who gasped and smiled at the boy. Demyx couldn't help but wet himself. This one would actually work! At least he hoped so. Then something terrible happened, Larxene walked in.

"FUCK THIS BITCH!" Lady Larxene yelled, and threw a wine bottle at Roxas, who immediately was knocked out with blood oozing from his head.

"SEND HIM TO THE DARK FOREST!" Larxene screamed, and pointed to the door leading outside. Some guards appeared and dragged the unconscious Roxas away.

"WHAT 'EFFIN DARK FOREST!?" Demyx shouted.

"THE ONE RIGHT THERE!" Larxene said pointing to a big ass sign that said "Dark Forest- right here"

**Stranded in the Dark Forest:**

"What the fuck happened?!" Roxas asked himself as he stood up.

One moment he was standing in front of his potential uke Sora and the next he was stuck is this hell hole.

"Will I ever be FREE?!" Roxas screamed.

"No!" someone yelled.

At that moment a very drunken Cloud and a very sober Leon stumbled through the bushes. They fell against a tree and immediately began to make out ignoring Roxas' disgusted groans.

"Get a room you fags!" Roxas yelled throwing rocks at the two.

The Leon pulled out his gunblade and shot at Roxas, missing both times. Perhaps he was drunk too? Roxas didn't want to find out so he let out a high pitch scream, because he is a REAL girly man. Then he ran off in the other direction.

**Back at the castle:**

"Round up the bloodhounds and call the cops, we got a princess to find!" Demyx was yelling.

Sora had been escorted out of the castle after he brutally married Larxene. The psychotic woman was now pregnant but the thing was, Sora was gay for Sir Riku. And he was sterile. How does that work? I do not know.

"We ain't got no bloodhounds!" Reno yelled back.

"Um then get the poodles!" Demyx suggested.

The sound of annoying barking interrupted their conversation.

"…Fuck it! Kill the goddamn poodles, and get those crazy ass squirrels!" Reno shouted, simply because he was pimpin' amazing like that, BITCH!

Demyx shook his head as thousands of rabid squirrels ran off to search for Roxas. He prayed to God the princess wouldn't get bitten.

**Back to the forest:**

"I'm hungry! I'm thirsty! And I refuse to pee in the forest. I might get an STD or something." Roxas was saying to himself.

He had practically gone insane as he avoided the trees, they wanted to molest him. And just as he was about to give up hope he tripped and fell in a pile of deer shit.

**Enter Vincent Valentine:**

"Soon the hand of Fate will reveal the plans she has made for you" A mystic voiced said, a dark figure emerged from the trees.

"AAAH! IT'S A TREE MAN!" Roxas screamed, running off, not bothering to wipe the deer shit away from his face.

Vincent stood there for a second before shrugging and walking off.

"I wonder if Leon will let me borrow some date rape drugs for Sephiroth. He's not as willing anymore." Vincent mused, rubbing his chin. Like those British guys Random is obsessed with.

**Back at the castle where everyone is searching:**

"Um so we had to put at least 700 squirrels down." Reno told Demyx.

"Um why?"

"They ate the staff in the kitchen and devoured our food supplies for a year." Reno explained.

"AAAAAAAAH MY FUDGE COOKIES!" Demyx sobbed.

"….What the hell? You made fudge cookies and you didn't tell me?! BITCH!" Reno yelled slapping Demyx.

They didn't care about Roxas anymore. Not when their fudge cookies were at stake.

"Let's dissect the squirrels!" Demyx yelled grabbing a big ass sword.

"Um ok?" Reno said grabbing a semi automatic machine gun.

Those poor squirrels.

**Back in the forest with an insane Roxas and some molesting trees:**

Roxas didn't know how long he had been running nor did he remember the taste of a shit-free mouth but he did know one thing. He was about to crash ass first into a donkey.

"What the hell?!"

**Enter Axel (Cat calls and pervy comments):**

Axel picked a dirty twitching Roxas off the ground and dusted him off.

"You okay baby?" he asked in a southern accent.

"I'm fine; I just made friends with a donkey's hind leg."

"Um that's nice." Axel said returning to his normal accent.

Then he slung Roxas over his shoulder and walked back to his donkey, Paulo.

"To the batcave!" Axel yelled as Paulo ran off.

**Back at the castle:**

"So we're just never gonna find Roxas are we?" Demyx asked Reno.

"Nope so how about we just party. Mardi Gras came early this year!" Reno said grabbing a bottle of beer.

"WOOOOT!" Demyx yelled.

**With AkuRoku:**

"So you're the princess and when you met your potential uke you got thrown into the Dark Forest. And after that you ran away from two drunken sex toys and a tree man. Now you're here at my house eating my chicken noodle soup." Axel recapped.

"But it's good for the soul!" Roxas exclaimed.

"Yes, yes I know that. What I don't know is what the hell I'm going to do with you." Axel said.

"Hmm you can take me back to my castle so I can kick Larxene's ass. And I shall thank you." Roxas suggested.

"Nah, Paulo is too tired. You'll just have to wait somewhere for the night. Or you can stay here? But I warn you… I tend to molest little sex kittens like you." Axel grinned.

Roxas backed up to the edge of the couch and went into the fetal position. He did NOT want to be raped by some unknown person. Even if he was drop dead sexy. Random agrees with Roxas. So he decided that he liked Axel's hotness more than not being raped. Besides it's not rape if it's consensual. And Roxas hadn't been laid in a LONG time.

"Okay fine I'll stay here but on one condition." Roxas began.

"And what's that?"

"You tell me your name. I don't like my one night stands to be unknown."

"Axel, A-X-E-L got it memorized?" Axel said smiling.

Roxas nodded and let himself be carried off to Axel's bedroom. Hmm what a turn of events.

**24 hours and hot AkuRoku secks later:**

"I'm home!" Roxas yelled entering the castle.

"Roxas!" Demyx yelled before glomping the princess.

"DAMN IT DEMYX! I'M TOO SORE TO BE GLOMPED!" Roxas cried.

"What? Why?" Demyx asked.

Roxas blushed like crazy. Demyx just had to ask why.

"Ahem I think that's my fault." Axel said wrapping an arm around Roxas' waist.

"And who are you?" Demyx asked.

"He's my hubby. We went to Vegas last night. Marilyn Manson was the priest!" Roxas squealed.

"Um okay?" Demyx said as he watched a giggling Roxas be carried up to his bedroom.

I guess this was his happily ever after. Except for the fact that Reno got drunk and took on the rabid squirrels unarmed. They were still cleaning up the blood.

"Isn't my brother Reno here?" Axel asked.

Shit.

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**So I'm Psycho and I'm going first. We apologize if we offended any one and I'd like to thank Zheyne for giving me the idea of this. We tried our best not to be a direct copy. Now before you flame us just know that our pizza was laced and this was the result. LOL now to Random.**

**Hallo guys! How ya like it? Anyways, as Psycho said our pizza was laced with somethin', I'm guessing heroin, or maybe ecstasy? So review, love it, hate it. **

**I still don't like you.**

**:D Byeeee!**


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